Heavy heart

My heart is heavy.  I cared for a child from when she was 4 months to age 2 and a half.  Her mother was having difficulties and needed help.  Not foster care but respite care.  I cared for this child at least 5 days out of 7 and sometimes weeks at a time.  This child was sick a lot and I stayed up with her in the middle of the night.   I even brought her home from the hospital after she was discharged from the hospital after being sick.  I was there when she began to crawl and her first step.  The reason my heart is heavy is because her mother decided that I can no longer see her.  No reason was given.  She just stop taking my calls and when I tried to visit, was told she wasn't there.  It's been 9 months since I've seen her and her birthday is coming up soon.  She was with me on her 1st. birthday.   I have grieved the loss of her even though she is still living.  It was so hard to look at her pictures.  I just now packed her things because looking at them made my cry.  She was part of our family and always will be.  My children loved her.  They keep asking me not to get rid of her clothes and toys but I need closure.  I don't want this to be the end but my hands are tied.  I pray for her daily that God protect her.  I even pray for her mother.  It wasn't easy but I knew I had to forgive.  God doesn't want us to hold grudges or anger.  It only hurts us not the person.   It is freedom in forgiveness but her birthday just opened the wound again.

Getting out of the Pit

Let me hear of your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting you.  Show me where to walk, for I have come to you in prayer.  Ps 143:8


I know it's been a while.  Let me explain....I've been in a pit.  A dark, cold place.  It smells of failure, pity, and shame.  The stench is still on me as type but I refuse to be clothed in disgust.  I know I have been washed clean by the blood of the Lamb.   But then why do I keep falling in the pit.  The enemy diguises himself .  He feeds me lies to keep me from becoming close to Jesus.  You know like that one so called girlfriend who talks about people to you and then go back and tell the other person that you said something about her.  You know ... a mess starter.  They are never happy until they get mess started.  Or they just hate to see you happy or suceeding.  Well that is just like how Satan works.   He's that backstabbing so called friend.   This new year I am downsizing.  I am standing at the top of the pit and I looking forward.  I am leaving the junk in the dark hole and I am dressed in new and restored hope.  No matter what, I know God is with me.  He was there when I was in the hole and He was the hand that lifted me out.  Now that's a true friend.  I didn't call him and was told "let me look at my schedule "or "I am so busy" or  give some misquoted scripture.  side note....I hate that ..why do people qoute you scripute when you all you need is a hug or an discerning ear.  I'm like really,  now how is that supposed make me feel better or better yet the don't worry about anything, pray about everything.   OK, good words to live by but when you are that pit, those words are not penetrating your heart.  Just put salt in that wound and rubbing alcohol.  Really.... OK, I just had to vent.   Well as you can sense in the tone of this post, I am still recovering.  I am at the top but that ground is still slippery.

I look for someone to come and help me but no one gives me a passing thought.  No one cares a bit what happens to me.  Psalm 142:4


Lonliness.  It is a cold, dark, hard place.  You feel like everyone is happy and living it up and you are stuck alone.  It's like you are never picked to be on the team or invited to the party.  If you were absent from school or work, no one would notice.  

One morning during the Christmas shopping season, I went to Walmart to start my Christmas shopping.  This particular morning,  I felt a little lonely.  I don't know why because I am a loner.  I enjoy being by myself but I guess this day I wanted to be with others.  I saw all of the decorations, baking ingredients, etc and wished that I was a person with all the scheduled meetings with friends to celebrate the season.  I saw women dressed nicely with outfits that yelled they were going somewhere other than Walmart.  Not me,  I had on jeans, shirt, and a frumpy coat.   No makeup and hair was probably in a ponytail.   I went down an aisle and looked up at the shelf, and I saw a yellow post it note saying,  "You are Beautiful".  I looked around and at first I thought this wasn't for me.  No one even greeted me when I came in (not even the greeter) so I know this isn't for me.  But then,  the Holy Spirit spoke to me and I knew that Jesus was telling me that I was not alone and I do matter.  Christmas is not about the decorations, gifts, and parties.  It is about sharing God's love.

Whatever is true, noble, right, pure lovely and admirable, think about such things- Philippians 4:8

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. It's what sunflowers do." ~ Helen Keller

When I was a young adult , I had a straw hat with a big sunflower on it.    It was one of those hats that I would wear on bad hair day.  When I wore it, it just instantly picked up my mood.  Sunflowers make me think of happiness, laughter, peacefulness, home. It is one of those flowers that say to me "relax, enjoy this moment".  How can anyone look at a sunflower and feel down.  We can learn a lot from this most sturdy flower.  Sunflowers mean loyalty.  It stands tall even in the storms if the root is well established.  It's color is vibrant even on cloudy days.  Why is that?  Helen said it best and she couldn't see the brilliance of the flower.  Why focus on the negativity or things that aren't true.  How can you look at a sunflower and NOT focus on what is true, noble, pure, lovely and admireable.    We have free will.  You can choose to keep your face toward the sun just like sunflowers.  Doesn't it feel good to close your eyes and feel the rays of the sun on your face.  It is like a big kiss from our Father above.  So I am renaming the sunflower Dr. Phil,( short for Philippians) not the one on TV, but the Great Physician who wipes away all your sadness.

The happy flower

Happy Sunday!!!  

Heavenly Father, I thank you for this pretty September day.   Father comfort those who are hurting and those who feel helpless.  Father I know that there is no power in hell that can stand before you and I pray that you remind my sisters in Christ and me that we are daughters of a King.  Father help us to relax and unwind this evening and focus on your beauty and not on what tomorrow brings.  Please watch over us as we sleep and wake us with a fresh hope.  In Jesus name

A Time for Everything -Ecclesiastes 3

Seasons Change

I love summer.  Summer is quickly coming to an end in the Midwest.  I am mourning the lazy hot days of digging in the dirt of my garden, sitting on my back deck reading or listening to country music, (yeah I said country music) and hearing the crickets sing at night.  I like not having a schedule with the kids and taking the day as it comes.  I like wearing sun dresses and flip flops, sitting on the beach making my bronze more bronze, and watching my kids play in the ocean and scream as they get knocked down by each wave. 

Fall is a pretty time of year where colors come to life and the crisp air wake you up like a good cup of coffee.  Fall is the time when school starts again and routine is back in full swing.  Get the kids up,  yell about time, take to bus stops, go to work ( Me time) , get kids from bus stops/carpool,  help with homework, cook dinner,  soccer practice,  tutoring, Wednesday night bible study and youth group, yell about chores , baths, backpacks, computer, tv,....you get the picture?  I'm tired just thinking about it.  Fall is when the weekend is " my happy time" unless it is packed with commitments.  Fall is when football , the smell of bonfires, sounds of marching bands and that dressing, collard greens, and macaroni and cheese put a smile on my face.

Then the dreaded  Winter.  When everything dies. Trees are bare and my skin feels like leather.  My hair takes a beating from the artificial heat.   Shea butter and Coconut oil are like grace and mercy.  Days are short and this is when SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) comes to visit.  This is the time I feel like that cartoon where the cloud over my head keeps following me and only me.  The bright spots in Winter is Christmas and my son's birthday.   I thank God for the gift of sunny Winter days.  I know God created those days just for me.  It's like He is smiling at me and saying "it's going to be alright."

Spring comes and me, the grass and the trees come back to life.  That first sign of a daffodil is a promise that Summer is not far behind.  Seasons change.   

Don't worry about anything, pray about everything Phil 4:6

The "what ifs".  What if this or that.  What if I didn't hear the baby choking or what if she stops breathing while she's sleeping.  What if people think I'm not a good mother because my baby hair wasn't combed a certain way.  Let me explain.  I see in the news that people are criticizing Beyonce for her daughter's hair.  I can relate.  I styled my daughter's hair in natural curly/kinky puffs or afro with pretty head bands.  What does hair have anything to do with mothering.

I worried about what my husband thought of me.  Does he think I keep the house clean enough or cook meals like so and so.  Does he love me.  Am I a burden to him since I don't work outside of the home.  Does he wish I would be more like whats her face.?

I worried about someone breaking into the house and taking my baby.  I worried about what I would do if someone tried.

I worried about dying and not being able to see my baby grow up.  I worried about someone else caring for my baby.

I worried about someone thinking I was crazy.  I worried about if I was crazy.

I thought by worrying I could control things I guess.  Don't we always want to be in control.  I want and wanted to control how my kids behave or what hand they used to write with or what they wanted to become when they grew up.

17 years and 2 more kids later, I still worry but I have learned to pray about everything; big things, small things, silly things.  God is in control.  So I give all my burdens to Him and I walk by faith.