Heavy heart

My heart is heavy.  I cared for a child from when she was 4 months to age 2 and a half.  Her mother was having difficulties and needed help.  Not foster care but respite care.  I cared for this child at least 5 days out of 7 and sometimes weeks at a time.  This child was sick a lot and I stayed up with her in the middle of the night.   I even brought her home from the hospital after she was discharged from the hospital after being sick.  I was there when she began to crawl and her first step.  The reason my heart is heavy is because her mother decided that I can no longer see her.  No reason was given.  She just stop taking my calls and when I tried to visit, was told she wasn't there.  It's been 9 months since I've seen her and her birthday is coming up soon.  She was with me on her 1st. birthday.   I have grieved the loss of her even though she is still living.  It was so hard to look at her pictures.  I just now packed her things because looking at them made my cry.  She was part of our family and always will be.  My children loved her.  They keep asking me not to get rid of her clothes and toys but I need closure.  I don't want this to be the end but my hands are tied.  I pray for her daily that God protect her.  I even pray for her mother.  It wasn't easy but I knew I had to forgive.  God doesn't want us to hold grudges or anger.  It only hurts us not the person.   It is freedom in forgiveness but her birthday just opened the wound again.

Getting out of the Pit

Let me hear of your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting you.  Show me where to walk, for I have come to you in prayer.  Ps 143:8


I know it's been a while.  Let me explain....I've been in a pit.  A dark, cold place.  It smells of failure, pity, and shame.  The stench is still on me as type but I refuse to be clothed in disgust.  I know I have been washed clean by the blood of the Lamb.   But then why do I keep falling in the pit.  The enemy diguises himself .  He feeds me lies to keep me from becoming close to Jesus.  You know like that one so called girlfriend who talks about people to you and then go back and tell the other person that you said something about her.  You know ... a mess starter.  They are never happy until they get mess started.  Or they just hate to see you happy or suceeding.  Well that is just like how Satan works.   He's that backstabbing so called friend.   This new year I am downsizing.  I am standing at the top of the pit and I looking forward.  I am leaving the junk in the dark hole and I am dressed in new and restored hope.  No matter what, I know God is with me.  He was there when I was in the hole and He was the hand that lifted me out.  Now that's a true friend.  I didn't call him and was told "let me look at my schedule "or "I am so busy" or  give some misquoted scripture.  side note....I hate that ..why do people qoute you scripute when you all you need is a hug or an discerning ear.  I'm like really,  now how is that supposed make me feel better or better yet the don't worry about anything, pray about everything.   OK, good words to live by but when you are that pit, those words are not penetrating your heart.  Just put salt in that wound and rubbing alcohol.  Really.... OK, I just had to vent.   Well as you can sense in the tone of this post, I am still recovering.  I am at the top but that ground is still slippery.